I truly do miss this. I just wish it had been real... I'm only keeping this and others on Facebook for the girls to look back on, to see where they came from. Better up on here than saved to any of my devices... I'll probably move them to the girls pages and let them decide when they're older... but for now, Remembering the good, and mourning the loss is what I need. I miss having someone to come home to. I miss being hugged from behind. I miss having someone there to tell me they love me. But to be honest, I fell more loved, and more beautiful without him, than I ever did with him.... (and I tyed that last sentence with my eyes closed fighting the tears. I worked so hard for something, that I knew was bad. In the end I'm glad I did. I don't regret it. I received three blessings from it. I learned to be self-sufficient and not rely on others for how I feel, Elizabeth, and Allyson. I will never regret loving him, I will never regret holding on. I only regret that I didn't try hard enough. Looking back, I knew all along it was unhealthy, but I blamed it on our environment. I truly believed that if I got us out of there, we'd be alright... At least I am out, I am happy, I am strong, i am beautiful, I am good enough. I have come so far, and have so much further to go. I know some day I will be blessed with the a heart that sees mine for what it truly is, and can be the balm on my broken heart. Someone to be an example of what a husband should be for my girls, so they never wind up a punching bag like I did. Not to say that he hit me, but I was a target of mental abuse throughout... Looking at pictures like this almost blur out the bad, but then I look at the screenshots of his texts and remember what he said to me the last time we talked.... I made the right choice finally... I know I pissed everyone off throughout this mess.... I just wish everyone could see it from my perspective. I truly believed that he loved me in his messed up way. That with the way he grew up, that was the only way he could love... and for me, I was desperate to have someone loved me. I was alone and had nowhere else to turn to until him. I no longer need the love of others. Thank God I have it now, since I've found my soul sisters, and good friends I've made along the way. I've learned to love myself for all my flaws, and am trying to work it out. My marriage died, and it's hard to get over that... it's hard to grieve over something you knew was dead to begin with... Something that nearly killed me on the inside. Then I walked away. This tie was different from all of the other times... I started to sing again. I've started nerding again. I don't have to walk on eggshells, looking over my shoulder, wondering if I'm going to get yelled at when I get home because someone was nice enough to compliment me, or just talk to me. I look at my girls, and I see him. When Alice frowns, she looks just like her daddy when he throws a fit. It's hard to see him in their eyes. I only hope that the girls understand what happened, and why I left and broke up their home. Why there's all this tension. Why mommy and daddy can't even sit in the same room for five minutes without arguing... I hope they resepect my decision and choose a path different from mine. That the realize they are beautiful, and don't need a man to make them happy. They have all they need right inside of them. It took me nearly 26 years to figure it all out. There's a difference between knowing, and learning. We all know, we hear it all the time. But to understand it, is another level entirely...Love isn't always beautiful, not at the start, but once you recognize it, you'll see the real beauty underneath, and all the rest will not be worth fighting for.
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