Two Way Mirror

Wow. To see my daughter fall apart at the seems like me? With my Mom, Dad, what we went through as I grew up, I learned how to react to it, mostly. Instead of an hour long ordeal like they were with me, I was able to get Elizabeth​ to give up. She's uber tired from an exciting day, and forgot how to take her jacket off. Because of that one ripple in her reflection, she just exploded. I had to drag her kicking and screaming to bed. I had already laid Allyson​ down. I stepped outside for a minute to see if she would calm down, but really didn't want to leave the baby in there. I walked in, scooped up Alice, and sat against the living room door, barring Lizzie there. I sat with Alice singing to her to keep her calm and help her relax and try to block out Lizzie screaming at the top of her lungs. Lizzie starting kicking at the door which is when I reacted. A tantrum is one thing, but trying to damage things to express yourself is wrong. I disciplined her, then went back to sitting against the door and let her scream herself hoarse... I kept flashing back to me as child. Granted I was quite a bit older than her when I did this, but it is still very similar. I remember how draining it was. How midway I would kind of "wake up" and wonder why I was freaking out. I became aware that I was making too big a deal of things and needed to calm down. It honestly doesn't take much when you don't know what's happening. And if you're on the outside looking in, it's even harder if you've never seen the inside. You don't want them to feel abandoned, but if you draw attention, it makes it worse. And discipline can make things harder. From what I learned in the last 25 years is to put her in a safe quiet place, and let her scream herself horse. Wait until she's been quiet for a few minutes before you go to her. Any time before that and you'll upset her again. She'll feel threatened and break apart, even if you come with love. Last but not least, especially if this is a nighttime ordeal, put her to bed. Tuck her in. Give her love and hugs and cuddle her. Speak with a firm but gentle and loving voice. Calmly tell her that that behavior is wrong, and was unnecessary. Ask her how she feels and don't put her down for feeling that way. Guide her on the right way to handle the situation. Give her lots of kisses if she'll let you, hug, and overuse "I love you." Also let her know that it's ok not to like you right now, because you didn't like doing that very much either. But You still love her anyway. Remind her of how beautiful and special she is. Let her pick something for the next, whether it be breakfast, or where she wants to take a walk. Love is the most important ingredient in this mess. It hurts, I know, and it's hard to keep a level head when your child is flipping the hell out. There's just nothing you can do until they've figured it out on their own, and then rationalize the situation in a way they can understand. I know it was hard for you two to handle me growing up. Believe me, it was hard BEING me in all of that. Having this raw emotion controlling you, not knowing where it came from, why it was there, or what was happening? Or even understanding exactly why you're confused? Looking to your parents for help and they just didn't have the answers was heartbreaking. I understand fully. It took me 25 years to figure only part of it out, and I have to live with it everyday! I can't escape it even if I wanted to. I've had to learn the hard way how to not necessarily CONTROL my emotions, but how to balance them. When do I express my frustration? When do I remain calm? When can I cry? When is it ok to yell at someone. My attitude gets the better of me more often than not, but I'm a work in progress. And now having a dual perspective on it, as exhausting and gut wrenching as it is, It's helped me be the mom I need to be, and the woman God wants me to be.

The Shadowed Heart

Hello out there...
Another long pause between posts... This is actually an abridged comment I had posted to facebook that kind of spilled out of me after reading an article called, 21 Things Nobody Tells You About Being Depressed. It was a hard article to read, but it was helpful to see myself in something written by someone who doesn't know I exist. Even though I know that there are other's like me, this depression has me so isolated at times... I've been battling this "demon" inside of me practically my entire life. Between emotional and physical abandonment, rejection, and abuse, it's been hard to walk through life. My sister had responded to my appreciation of her sharing this article with a brief overview of her struggles since the birth of her two children, and that is when I vomited this nonsensical testimonial of insanity that now lays before you.
And I understand the post pardum. I truly don't recall much of Elizabeth's first year and a half. I was in a total fog. Allyson, will always be a baby in my eyes, but Lizzie will always be a toddler.. frown emoticon Lizzie was so tough, and I felt terrible about the life I was giving her. Mommy and daddy always fighting, living with his grandparents, jobless, penniless, unable to feed her... hell I couldn't even give birth to her! And I was utterly alone. I had next to no help, and constantly judged for every decision I made in her life. I went days without sleep, and couldn't when I tried. The first two months involved sleeping in a recliner because my c-section hurt so damn bad. The first two hours home was spent stuck on the bed unable to get up. No one came to check on me, no one cared. I was isoalted and alone with this little human that needed me, and I couldn't give her what she deserved.

Then alice came out of left field into our lives. And I tried to give birth to her, bur the doctors didn't want to wait. She was much easier, but we started off alone in the hospital room. The very same day I had given birth to her, I had to get up repeatedly to take care of her because no one was there by my side. There were more important things than the life I had carried. And it didn't get much better. Living in that motel infested with roaches, working full time trying to feed her naturally, and trying to balance it all onto my shoulders. Going to jail before she had turned six months while attempting to protect my family. Having the whole world turn their back on you because you're not what they wanted.

Constantly ending up being somoene else's mistake. Employers regret hiring me, people regret knowing me, Men regret loving me. Family regrets being related to me. It's been an endless battle. Long since forgotten memories suddenly hit, and you have to fight past them a second time. Standing on your own to feet to find everyone left you there to stand alone. Having to repeatedly pick yourself up because you're not ready to let go the teeniest little slice of understanding in this world, even if he never truly did, then have the entire world look down on you for not giving up...

You know how I am, I take every opinion, every look, every word very seriously. They trouble me to the core and rock my entire life into disarray. The only thing that has changed within me is I've learned to swallow most of it, instead of blowing it up. Not the healthiest way, but I'm trying to work my way through it. The people I've met, and the jobs I've bounced through have taught me a lot. The struggles I have faced on a day to day basis remind me that God is always there giving me the strength to take that next step, whether I think I can or not.

I used to walk hours a day while pregnant just to get what needed to be done accomplished... I left an abusive family, and slept in my car for six months. I went to jail to defend myself.... I survived being abandoned, cheated, hurt, pushed, assaulted, attacked, put down, let down, strung along, lies, and defeat. I carried two angels into this world who are the greatest blessing a girl could ever ask for. If it were not for them I would not be here typing this out. I nearly succeeded in killing myself once before in a tiny house here in Holland. After the mission had kicked me out, he'd used me and threw me to the trash. I had no where to go, and no one to turn to, and I almost did it. I'd swalloed nearly that whole bottle that day... I counted around 28 tylenol pms... I threw them up, and lay there just to be judged by him the next day, and treated like a druggie trying to get high. A week later I met my estranged husband only to isolate myself even further into my own personal hell of judgement and regret.

It's taken a lot of me just to get where I am today. I don't have much, but I appreciate all I have. I may not have money, or a fancy car, but I'm no longer someone used napkin. I am an independent woman, who's rasing two independent girls, who are going to know every minute of every day how much I love them, and that no person on this earth can bring them down. That just because people don't understand how they tick, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with them, it just means that they are on another plain of awesome. 

I'm still not comfortable in my skin. Voices haunt me on a daily basis. I struggle to get dressed in the morning because I don't feel pretty. I struggle to do my job answering calls because I feel like I'm not smart enough. I hate being around other people because I feel so unable to fit in, that I break a little more each time I'm cut from a conversation. I am scared to go to school for music because I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough...