It's been while, hasn't t? I'm not very good with commitment, as you can see. But as creativity would have it, brilliance struck me while trying to sleep. Naturally I can never shut my brain off... especially when it's time to sleep.
You see, while trying to render myself unconscious a mere hour or two before my spawn are due to wreak havoc upon the world, I recalled an incident that had transpired between my oldest and myself. I should have seen it coming, and in a lot of ways I had. Then again,I guess I expected I had a lot more time ahead of me before it would occur.
This incident that had happened was during bedtime. Naturally, it's a difficult time for any family with a 3 year-old. It's true in our house since she gets bounced between my roof, and her great-grandparents. The GG's can't stand the kids crying, so they let them stay awake, then bicker at me the next day about how they couldn't sleep because the kids wouldn't go to bed.
On any given day when I come to receive them, I have no idea where Lizzie is sleeping. She has her own room with her own bed, but that is usually the last place she'll ever be found.
Not true in my home. She's old enough to sleep on her own, and she has her sister in there with her, so she's not alone. Mommy and Daddy are right outside, protecting her, and the closet light is on, so she won't be in the dark. That's still not enough for her.She claims to want to sleep with us, but we both know this trick, so we refuse, and tell her to lay down.
That night was actually not as difficult as most nights. She was still trying to beg her way out. Any excuse she could think of would be used, and we'd explain why it would not work. When I shut the door and sit down, I can hear her talk to herself. Something about "...Mommy and Daddy..." and what sounded like, "Me no like...." which preceded a sentence that I could have sworn sounded like, "I want Mamaw and Papaw [rhymes with heehaw]."
Perplexed I shrugged it off and continued to sit quietly while trying to listen to the goings on in the bedroom, waiting for my cue to put her back into bed. Like clockwork, I didn't have to wait for long. I heard her footsteps behind the door, and could almost see her hiding behind it. She cleared away all doubt with one clear, and heartbreaking sentence.
"I don't like Mommy..."
I called her out of her room, and told her she needed to lay down, it was bedtime. Then she looked me dead in the eye with those sapphires of her's so filled with intent, and disdain.
"I don't like Mommy."
My heart shriveled up and died in that moment. Did my three-year-old really just say that? Could this really be true? I spend every moment of our life together, telling her how much I love her, how proud I am of her, how she made my world a better place just by being in it. I'm far from perfect, and I'll never get that best mom award we all secretly want; but am I really so terrible a person, that my own pre-pre-schooler, doesn't like me?
For an instant is tore me up inside. For a second I forgot all reason. I even wanted to dive off of the balcony for a fraction. I'd failed. I am the worst mother in the world. My own child, my flesh and blood, hates me.
Then, I remembered the truth. I cried it out in my husband's arms for a few minutes, and then wiped my tears. I put myself back together, and I marched into her room, and sat next to her as she lay in bed. I looked her in the eye, and used this as a teaching moment for the both of us.
"Lizzie, what you said, about not liking me really hurt. It was really mean of you to try and hurt me like that. Honestly, I don't care if you like me or not. It's not my job to be liked; it's my job to be your mother. Like it or not, I'm your mother, and I'm trying to raise you right, and that means following direction whether you like it or not. I understand, Mommy gets frustrated a lot, and I lose my temper too easily, but God is working with me on that, just like He and I are trying to help you grow. We never stop learning as we get older, we only have new lessons to learn around the next corner. I love you so much, and I just want you to know that I want nothing but the best for you."
I gave her a hug, and I left her room, and all was quiet for the rest of the night.
