Cliffs of Reality

Hello strangers.

   I was writing about my feelings earlier and I had gotten this image. A tall young man, with a chip in his shoulder. He's been pushed around his entire life, beaten, forgotten, lied, cheated, and abused. He's spent this time on Earth blaming the world for his problems. Every love that's come through has found another's arms before telling him goodbye. His family barely looks him in the eye, but begrudgingly takes him in regardless. 

   Then he meets a girl with nowhere to go, abandoned and scared. She'd been abused, and forgotten, ostracized and put down. He saw an opportunity to get ahead. He could see what she wanted, so he painted her a picture. One of the American Dream. A life together settled down, working together to provide for the family they had built.

   Over the years, with that image in mind, she worked harder than she'd ever imagined, meanwhile the man had other plans. "Let her do all the work, and I will reap the reward. If everything fails, it will be her fault for doing it wrong." She could see this was wrong, but the painting never left her sight, and blinded her to the artist who would constantly stab her in the heart.

   She carried him through every storm, when all had left her. She supported him when they were kicked back to the curb. She sacrificed her very being until her vision in the painting was so distorted, she didn't know who she was or what she truly wanted any longer. When the world would shove him over a cliff, she would dive right over with him to protect him from the impact, meanwhile killing her. Then she would have to begin again, and start from scratch, while watching him dust himself off, and blame her for the scratch he received.

   Then two beautiful girls came along for this roller coaster of doom. By the second arrived, she began to see a different image in the painting. She realized that he was not to be in the painting if she was to be happy. She needed to paint her own portrait, with her and the girls. One that she creates, and exhibits in real life. At this point he was heading to another cliff, and she began to curve her trajectory away from it. She held fast to the girls, only allowing them so close to the edge with him.

   As the distance grows greater, he turns his back to the cliff, and the "world" he blames encircles him, no longer shielded by his other-half. They coax him to the edge. As he gets closer, he's unaware, too busy arguing with the reality he's arrived at. They shove him over.

   She can hear him scream, but she can no longer save him. If she falls one more time, there will be no more fixing her brokenness. She will be gone for ever. So with a heavy heart, and tears in her eyes, she keeps her back to him, and walks away, children in tow, too young to understand what they've been dragged in to, and hurt to be walking away.

The Walking Dead Marriage

Hello IP,

I truly do miss this. I just wish it had been real... I'm only keeping this and others on Facebook for the girls to look back on, to see where they came from. Better up on here than saved to any of my devices... I'll probably move them to the girls pages and let them decide when they're older... but for now, Remembering the good, and mourning the loss is what I need. I miss having someone to come home to. I miss being hugged from behind. I miss having someone there to tell me they love me. But to be honest, I fell more loved, and more beautiful without him, than I ever did with him.... (and I tyed that last sentence with my eyes closed fighting the tears. I worked so hard for something, that I knew was bad. In the end I'm glad I did. I don't regret it. I received three blessings from it. I learned to be self-sufficient and not rely on others for how I feel, Elizabeth, and Allyson. I will never regret loving him, I will never regret holding on. I only regret that I didn't try hard enough. Looking back, I knew all along it was unhealthy, but I blamed it on our environment. I truly believed that if I got us out of there, we'd be alright... At least I am out, I am happy, I am strong, i am beautiful, I am good enough. I have come so far, and have so much further to go. I know some day I will be blessed with the a heart that sees mine for what it truly is, and can be the balm on my broken heart. Someone to be an example of what a husband should be for my girls, so they never wind up a punching bag like I did. Not to say that he hit me, but I was a target of mental abuse throughout... Looking at pictures like this almost blur out the bad, but then I look at the screenshots of his texts and remember what he said to me the last time we talked.... I made the right choice finally... I know I pissed everyone off throughout this mess.... I just wish everyone could see it from my perspective. I truly believed that he loved me in his messed up way. That with the way he grew up, that was the only way he could love... and for me, I was desperate to have someone loved me. I was alone and had nowhere else to turn to until him. I no longer need the love of others. Thank God I have it now, since I've found my soul sisters, and good friends I've made along the way. I've learned to love myself for all my flaws, and am trying to work it out. My marriage died, and it's hard to get over that... it's hard to grieve over something you knew was dead to begin with... Something that nearly killed me on the inside. Then I walked away. This tie was different from all of the other times... I started to sing again. I've started nerding again. I don't have to walk on eggshells, looking over my shoulder, wondering if I'm going to get yelled at when I get home because someone was nice enough to compliment me, or just talk to me. I look at my girls, and I see him. When Alice frowns, she looks just like her daddy when he throws a fit. It's hard to see him in their eyes. I only hope that the girls understand what happened, and why I left and broke up their home. Why there's all this tension. Why mommy and daddy can't even sit in the same room for five minutes without arguing... I hope they resepect my decision and choose a path different from mine. That the realize they are beautiful, and don't need a man to make them happy. They have all they need right inside of them. It took me nearly 26 years to figure it all out. There's a difference between knowing, and learning. We all know, we hear it all the time. But to understand it, is another level entirely...Love isn't always beautiful, not at the start, but once you recognize it, you'll see the real beauty underneath, and all the rest will not be worth fighting for.