Well, as I was trying to sleep (go figure), I reflected upon the days conversations, about convictions, and about the past. I know, heavy stuffs right there... I can't go into details about my work, but I had a call, that I wasn't very experienced with, and I had to take it one step at a time, and it was very tedious. Suffice to say, that by the end, I was unsure if I wanted to cry, scream or laugh.
The call latened my break by an hour. I snacked for a moment, and then I had the sudden urge for fresh air. I walked outside and paced a moment. I then had the urge to pray. I looked up at the heavens, where in residence was a crescent moon, and a handful of stars. In my heart I prayed to God. "Thank you for the perseverance to maintain my calm, the strength to move forward, and the guidance to find my way. I was not perfect, but I was able to do what was asked of me without losing myself, and all worked out in the end. I would not be here if it was not the for unconditional love You have for me. I do not deserve this love, but I am forever grateful that You have chosen me to be Your's."
Afterwards I walked inside, and was able to move on, and be happy, which is new for me. Normally I carry the weight of the coulda, shoulda, woulda's with me unnecessarily for an indeterminate amount of time. Not this time. This time I was able to see the good, learn from the bad, and just be proud of what I had managed to accomplish in such a short time. On top of it all, it was turned into a lesson for the everyone, including our team lead. I now know what I need to do, in case I encounter a difficult situation like this again.
God is teaching me perseverance, and to put my trust in Him. I need to learn that he has my best interest at heart, and he'll never let me fall so far that I'm irreparable.
While I lay here, reflecting upon that, I was also thinking about conviction. The convictions God has placed upon our hearts. They themselves are a lesson in trust, perseverance, and strength. Some people truly feel they should not work on Sundays, other's feel like abstinence is their key. For me, in deciding that my marriage is not God's design, and that I need to focus on my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and less on earthly affections is my conviction. I am still married to my husband. And until I am legally divorced, I need to remember to focus on myself, my goals, and get me straightened out. I have built a lot of dark corners in my heart, and God is helping me shine a light on it.I truly believe that if I can sacrafice my wants, for his design, that he will reward me with my hearts desire of being loved, of finding my equal.
The man I always saw in my heart. That true man of harmony with my soul. Who's not afraid to be silly in public, that just wants to live life in the world, but also ready to hide away together. Someone to be a shining example of manhood for my two daughters, but realizes he cannot replace their daddy. Someone who wants a family of his own while including mine. A man not afraid to share his faith, and to spiritually guide his family home. Someone who's not afraid to tell it like it is, but also will help me get to where I need to go. Someone I can express myself to, without putting me down for feeling that way. Who realizes I'm broken, but instead of just excusing my behavior, helps me reconcile that part of me. I know he's out there waiting for me, and I know with time, I will be ready for him, as long as I work to be more Christ-like.
For now, it's my girls, and myself, and I am truly happy with that, because I know God is always there, teaching me another lesson, so that I, in turn, can teach my daughters the right path. So I can also share my experiences with the world, and maybe light someone else's darkness with the fire in my soul.
Most of what the secular world hears are the false testimonies of people who only see fault in others, but are too ashamed to look at themselves. They want to blame the world for the problems that befell them. I'm am not perfect. There has only been one perfect person in this world, and He died so we can remember him, and follow his example so we can better this place we call home. If people truly followed the word, they would never wish death upon each other, nor hardship. People would pray for blessing and peace for all, no matter the offense.
I have been recently hurt by multiple people that I chose to let into my life. I knew I shouldn't, that there was a risk of being hurt, but I truly felt like they needed help, and I needed to make the sacrafice. Sadly, they abused my kindness, and I had to let them go, and all I can do is pray that they see the error of their ways, that they make peace, and begin living a life in the light.
I guess that is all I really needed to get off of my chest to night. So peace be with you, and have a good night.
