Just a bit of a thought today.... Have any of you lost your path so bad that you don't know where to start looking? You've been second guessing your second guessed second guesses that it buried in a pile of doubt.
Now, I know I'm suppose to let go and let God, but how? Marriage is a sacred right; we're suppose to give all we have for those who need it, and ask for it; we're suppose to endlessly pray....
How, I guess would be my question at this point? I've had prayer explained to me so many times, and you would think I would know how to truly pray.... I know of the silent prayers in my heart. I feel those on a daily basis....
Another problem, is we're expected to know the bible, but the bible does nothing for me unless someone explains the invisible text, the hebrew text, and the greek. Like "helper suitable," sounded like slave labor to me. After a sermon that explained the true meaning behind that phrase, which is properly called, "Ezer Kenegdo,"
[עֵזֶר כְּנֶגְדּוֹ]
I want that tattooed to my forearm in white ink to constantly remind me of what type of person we are called to be.
As awesome as that is, there's never that person here beside me. I need more than the weekly meeting that I have to watch on my computer while yelling at two kenegdos that I happened to be gifted. So what then? I'm floundering here.... I truly need counsel...
You see, for me, I find comfort in a melody; I seek peace in the lyric. God speaks to me through the artists He's placed into this world, and that's a message I see clearer than any other.
"I am, holding on to you...
In the middle of the storm
I'm holding on, I am."
"I'd be packing my bags with a need to stay
I'd be chasing every breeze that blows my way
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade... away...
That's me without you..."
"He is the hurricane,
I am the tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his love and mercy."
"You'll overcome it
Stay in the fight 'til the final round
You're not going under
But God is holding you right now!
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless,
That's when he reminds you,
You'll overcome it!
You'll over come it!"
"Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down, this unfamiliar road.
And though this wave, keeps stringing us along
Jut know you're not alone
'Cuz I'm going to make this place your home...."
He speaks to me through all of this music. Secular or Christian, there's always a message. I see it as clear as others see angels. Even harder songs, like "Take the Bullets Away," speaks a message to my soul.... So how am I to find guidance in a monotone, black and white book, that I can only take as black and white?
Where do I go to for my answers? My questions are so trivial and repetitive... If you know me, you know that I am the very definition of insane.... I keep doing the same thing like a broken record, expecting a different result, and it breaks me that I cannot pull myself out of this rut... I've tried finding a music group I could join, but I'm not good enough for that...
I see all the potential in the world... I see the possibilities of my life if I were to choose a different road.... I've littered mine with so much self-loathing, hatred, frustration, regret, doubt, and negativity, that's there's no road left.... I fear I've left it a long time ago, and I'm just hopelessly lost.... I'm so angry with myself for being so stupid to walk this far away in the dark...
I can no longer see the guiding light... I know what it looks like, I know how to get there, but I cannot find my way... Help me....
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